Iridiscence

Mood: fatigued, exhausted, worn out, weary, haggard, droopy, or simply tired

As my normal state, I feel as above. I assume that most people in my school will not be aware of this account and thus, I shalt spill out my feelings of despair.

My head is raging in fury. The aching pain I need to soothe. It tampers my mind and thrusts me into confusion. I feel so unwanted and ignored. The truth is, I think a lot of the past to myself. Everything that is related to me in some way. And so I recall the time, almost a year ago when I discovered to myself a horrible truth. I believed that my friends were merely using me. It was since not so far away that I threw myself into sorrows that everyone who claimed to be my friend were merely lying. That I was alone. However, kindness has come from so many places around me. I have felt so much more better. No, I do not feel more worthy of myself. I still lie in the shadows, like the darkness casted behind you, creeping....creeping...closer...until you feel the chills in your spine.

I always feel lonely and isolated even though everyone sees "company" around me. No....no...no...I am told that I am humble, modest, kind, thoughtful. I cannot accept them. Is it because of that "humble and modest"? Do not make me laugh. I am not of the kind. I lie to myself. I lie to my mind. Convincing myself that I am this and that. But deep down inside, I know the truth. I believe that I am this. NO. I do not wish to be like what I think I am. Lonely...unwanted...miserable. I hate how even though there are people around me, I have to come to them. The truth is, I believe I am selfish. I am selfish. If you agree with me that I am, then you are selfish also. If you do not agree with me, then God help your soul and correct you. No matter how you look at it, everyone is selfish. But I am a sinner so unworthy of Heaven. Hell is where I belong. I have hated so many souls that have come to my life.

This is why I am relieved that no one in my school knows this account. They cannot see my heart. If they do...I will be left even alone.

~微笑 艾多掄